12/17/2010 - Friday

• 12/17/2010 2:59:15 PMNerf or Nerth?Nerf or Nerth? - That is the question.   Most of us know the word "Nerf" to mean either the company or any of the sponge like products they sell.  Footballs, swords, plastic guns that shoot foam darts.  At our home, we have several of their products.  One year I got a Nerf football that had a whistle embedded in it.  When you threw it and the ball began to spiral, it would emit a nice loud squeal.  
  
  So James and Michael are talking about one of the Nerf balls we have and Michael insists on calling the "Nerth".  Michael knows the correct pronunciation and what he is doing is a technique known as "fishing" - as in "fishing for conflict".  Some people might know it "trolling".  Whatever it is called, there wasn't any trouble and Michael is trying to create some.
  
  James nibbles at Michael's bait by telling him it is not a "Nerth" ball.  Michael insists that it is and then prompts James for clarification of the issue by asking to give him the correct spelling of the word.  This is where Michael's ploy falls apart.  
  
  Michael: It is a Nerth ball.
  James: That is not correct.  It is not a "Nerth" ball (with emphasis on the word Nerth)
  Michael: How do you spell it?
  James: Why don't you sound it out?
  Michael: What is the first letter?
  James: You know what the first letter is.
  Michael: Just tell me.
  James: No.
  Michael: What is the first letter?
  - When Michael does this sort of thing - repeating the same question trying to get you to fall for the same trick, it reminds me of Bam Bam - the son of Barney and Betty Rubble.  The trick is to get you to repeat yourself or to believe that he is dumb, helpless, or incapable of working some kind of problem out in his head.  The truth is that Michael is quite smart, but it is the "fooling" aspect of this game where Michael feels like he has power and control.  "BAM! BAM!" - he tries to get you to do something and you don't fall for it.  In Michael's infinite RAD-Wisdom, he tries the exact same approach thinking that the results will be different this time: "BAM! BAM! BAM!".
  
    We have covered this lesson a thousand times with Michael.  I have told him, "why don't you just go and ram your head against the wall.  You might have better results."  Thinking that Michael doesn't understand, I explain further: "what you are trying to do will not get you what you want.  You are seeking power and control and all you get is frustration and anger".  This is where I originally made my mistake.  Now, my response to such stupid RAD games is - "It sounds like you need some extra oxygen in your brain.  Go and get your shoes on and run to the mail box".  I like to call this little maneuver, "Checkmate".
    
  So the conversation between James and Michael continues:
  James: I'm not going to tell you what the first letter is.  Why don't you try to spell it yourself?
  Michael: Is the first letter a "G"?
  
  (Obviously the first letter is not a "G" and James quickly recognizes that the game is afoot.)
  
  James: Maybe it is a "P".
  
  They go through the entire alphabet until only the letter "N" is left unsaid and Michael is forced to say it.  A normal person would look at this and be thinking any number of the following thoughts:
  
  1. This is stupid and James being stupid for engaging Michael in this conversation.
  2. Why doesn't James just ignore Michael?  Why waste your time with this?
  3. Why doesn't James just give him the correct answer?
  4. James is doing it wrong and is not a good "teacher"?
  5. With the proper positive motivation and encouragement, Michael could learn to sound out words and spell them correctly.
  
  Here is my response:
  - This is stupid but that is the level that Michael operates on.  I have not yet given James the authority to send Michael out running and I have advised him on how to engage Michael is such stupid games.  James could have ignored Michael, but on the other hand - Michael would seek out something - anything - any way he could think of to NOT be ignored and engage someone - anyone in something stupid where control was at stake.  James chose to fight the battle here and now about the word "Nerf" and let Michael go around in circles.
  
  The other aspect to this is that casual observers always seem to come to the conclusion that:
  A) It is the way we treat or parent Michael that caused him to be this way
  B) We are adding to or perpetuating his problems
  C) All of the above
  
  Those people should be quiet and go educate themselves on Reactive Attachment Disorder.
  

12/8/2010 - Wednesday

• 12/8/2010 2:03:16 PMTraumaRecently, Elizabeth Edwards (wife of former senator John Edwards) died from breast cancer.  The impact on children left behind when a mother dies is devastating.  Emotional recovery can vary greatly depending on how well the children are supported after the loss.
  
  Several well known celebrity personalities have lost a parent at an early age.  Pop star Madonna lost her mother to cancer when she was 6.  She comments on the loss by saying it was "like having your heart ripped out of your chest.  Like missing a limb.  the ultimate abandonment."   Scores of other high-profile adults describe the associated loneliness and anguish they encountered.  Even many years later, the pain remains.
  
  One of the most telling comments comes from the author of the Chronicles of Narnia - C.S. Lewis whose mother died when he was 9.  He writes,
  "With my mother's death - all settled happiness, all that was tranquil and reliable, disappeared from my life.  There was to be much fun, many pleasures, many stabs of joy; but no more of the old security.  It was sea and islands now.  The great continent had sunk like Atlantis."
  
  Who views their mother like a "great continent"?  Young children - that's who.