9/26/2011 - Monday
- 9/26/2011 9:53:33 PMWho Has More?In a cocky moment, Michael made an off hand remark that he had more school work than his older brother James who is a junior. Generally, when Michael makes such stupid remarks - because he is so hung up on "winning" and "losing" (aka being "right") - that he will not back down and continue insist that the stupid and foolish thing that he has said is true, right, or correct.
Just like the example of when Michael told Grandma he could swim and it was quickly proven false as evidenced by his trip to the bottom of the Oconto River and having the Life Guard jump in and save him - this school work issue was quickly settled by a simple visual comparison of the actual classes and their associated assignments. This was on Sunday.
A classic behavior of Michael is to always study his opponent (aka everyone), discover what irritates them, and repeat as many times as he feels are necessary. On Monday, Mom had to run some errands and help a friend of ours move. While she was gone, Michael decided it was a good time to re-engage his brother on the issue of who had more school work. To the innocent bystander, it would appear as if this was a new, never before discussed, and unsettled issue. To the people who reside in our home, this is like watching the same rerun of Gilligan's Island for the 500th time.
Literally, it was nearly word-for-word the same discussion with the same emotion and same insistence that he was right even though it was already proven that he was wrong. James was not in a mood to tolerate this behavior and as we've been instructed by our psychologist and Nancy Thomas to take action rather than attempt to "unwind" the hair-ball logic of Michael-style thinking, he sent him outside to run some laps around the yard with the hopes of restoring the proper oxygen level in Michael's brain.
On a related side note - this is an awful position for the other children in our home to be in. Trying to instruct them on how to handle another kid in the home who is intentionally trying to cause conflict through disruption, dissension, disunity, argumentation, agitation, and any other means available to them is difficult. What are they allowed to do that is not going to make things worse but yet confronts the behavior and bring it to a halt? James did the right thing in sending Michael outside. My only wish is that he and the other kids did not have to contemplate how to "handle" someone in the home who is actively trying to destroy from within. Perhaps this is good training for the missions field on how to handle wolves in sheep's clothing.
This is about the time when Mom got home. There was Michael, running around in circles. I'm afraid that this will become the defining picture of his life. Mom steps out of the car and Michael smiles and waves, "Hi Mom!". It was as if what was happening - was not happening. This is somewhat akin to a kid getting caught with cookie crumbs and chocolate smeared all over their face believing that by simply smiling and waving at you that you will overlook what is painfully obvious.
The questions in my mind are:
- Is Michael actually glad to see Mom?
- Was Michael irritated that Mom left to help someone else?
- Is Michael pretending to be happy and oblivious of the fact that he is currently running in circles?
- Does Michael understand that there will be questions asked and answers expected for all of this?
- In what manner is Michael attempting to control or manipulate what is going on here?
- Why does this behavior keep happening?
In the discussion that followed, Michael was asked about the events that lead up to him being sent outside. As usual, getting information from Michael is like pulling teeth.
Mom: Why are you outside running?
Michael: Because James told me to go out and run.
Mom: Why did he tell you to do that?
Michael: Because he said he had more school work than I did and I said that he didn't and I said that he said he said I said he school work that I said to me yes I said look at he said I said...
Mom: Why are you talking about this again? Didn't you get this settled yesterday?
Michael: Yes.
Mom: Who has more school work?
Michael: James.
Mom: Why did you tell James that you had more school work again today?
Michael: I don't know.
Mom: Did you want to go out side and run?
Michael: No.
Mom: Were you trying to irritate James?
Michael: No.
Mom: But you did. You irritated James and caused an argument.
Michael: I know.
Mom: What could James have said or done to answer you? What could he have said to make you happy with his answer?
Michael: Nothing. (This is key)
Mom: So James cannot give you an answer that will make you happy. It looks like you wanted James to become irritated and now he is irritated so you got what you wanted.
Michael: That's not what I wanted.
Mom: What did you want?
Michael: I don't know. (Is this a lie? Does Michael really not know what he wanted or did he really want James to be irritated but he simply didn't calculate what would come next?)
Mom: While you were outside running around, were you angry with James for sending you outside?
Michael: Yes. (This is classic finger-pointing blame-others RAD behavior. Michael is angry with James who became angry after Michael tried to make him angry.)
Mom: Why?
This is generally where Michael's mental gears begin to smoke and grind to a halt.
Mom: Go and put another empty victory in your victory bottle.
9/24/2011 - Saturday
- 9/24/2011 10:52:04 AMSabotageMichael is reading a book called, "The History of Inventions". He asked me, "How come there are always lots of people in the book that tell the inventor that they will never be able to do what they're trying to do?"
I replied, "You know Michael, there are even some people who actually try to sabotage what the inventor is trying to do. Why do you suppose they do that?"
Michael answered, "Because they don't want the inventor to succeed".
I asked him, "Do you ever sabotage things?" Michael just sat there and stared at me for a long moment before replying....... "yes."
9/20/2011 - Tuesday
- 9/20/2011 8:49:18 PMSwitched-on School HouseWe have decided to keep Michael home for school this year rather than put him into the local public school and spend a lot of time trying to educate the teachers there on RAD and deprogram Michael when he comes home every day filled with things that shouldn't be in his head.
Since we have home schooled all of the other children, we have acquired a great deal of material over the years. Since Michael is a different kind of learner (this is secret code for a student that will dominate every waking moment of every day) we decided to lean a little more on some computer based curriculum.
Near the end of last year, after warning the school facility about keeping an eye on him, Michael was busted for surfing for porn on the library computer. Thankfully they have software that monitors such things and he was quickly found out. This incident occurred over the course of two days and an explanation of Michael's behavioral changes during that time is worthy of its own story.
Anyway, one program that Michael does is Brainware Safari which does require internet access. I have firewall software on the computer that blocks all internet traffic except for that program and it's back-end website. No surfing is permitted. No other programs can get out. Brainware Safari is good for him because it has been designed in such a way as to prevent cheating. Michael hates this program.
Another program we use is called Switched-on School house. We purchased the entire Grade 6 curriculum. Michael hates this program as well but for different reasons. I think the primary source of his angst comes from the fact that he doesn't get the interactive response from the computer like he would from trying to manipulate a person. No matter how many times Michael answers the wrong information into the computer, it always comes back with a message indicating that he is wrong and it will not allow him to continue until he has completed everything. Additionally, it tracks everything he does and makes a real nice report at the end for Mom to look at.
One more program that we use is called Spell-it Deluxe. This program was originally created by a company called "Davidson" but I don't think it is available new from the company anymore - although you can still get it from Amazon and other websites. Last year at the public school, another source of Michael's emotional pain was spelling. He played games continuously both with his spelling list and how he performed on the test.
Michael would lie about which words were on his list, if there was going to be a test this week, if there was going to be a pretest this week and most frequently - what his teacher actually said about the list of words. All of this came to a head when he would intentionally misspell words so that we would not be correct when we told him that, if he worked hard he could get 100% on his test. Did you catch that? Maybe you think that sentence was malformed. What I meant to say was that Michael wanted to be proven correct - meaning - he could work hard on his spelling words and it would be to no avail because in the end, the words would be so difficult that he could prove that they could not be spelled correctly no matter how much effort was put into studying them. In other other words, Michael intentionally throws tests because to him, this makes sense and is some kind of a "win". We want him to do well and he wants us to not get what we want - therefore he fails the test on purpose.
What is more bizarre is that Michael himself often said that it bothered him that other kids got good grades on their spelling tests and sometimes they would say things to him about being stupid because he only got 8 out of 20 words correct. The key here is that Michael "COULD SPELL" the words correctly if he made up his mind to do so, but he is in such conflict over his own twisted perceptions of winning and losing, and doing what he wants over doing what other people want - that he cannot think clearly and logically about doing what is best for him. Michael is the kid who would happily drink poison if he thought it would prevent you from "winning".
This is where the computer comes in handy. It doesn't play such games and it is very upfront about it. I have often told Michael that his "short cuts" are really "long cuts". Every time he cheats, skips school work, or tries to manipulate the assignment because he "just wants to be done", it ALWAYS turns out to take longer because he ends up having to re-do the assignment as many times as it takes until it is right. This is an elusive concept for Michael.
In the end, if it were a human teacher - they would ultimately become frustrated with him and give up. Michael sees this as a "win". Quite literally, he celebrates the fact that he caused someone to give up on him. He fails to take the next logical mental step and realize that he just lost an opportunity to move forward and has lost or damaged another relationship.
Thank God for computers.
9/14/2011 - Wednesday
- 9/14/2011 11:10:52 PMFalse Epiphany Last week Friday we had one of the worst days possible. Near the end of the day, Michael was contemplating killing himself by eating a cake of Glade air freshener but he changed his mind after mom and I explained some things to him. I drew him a little line chart in the dirt of our driveway to represent the ups and downs of life and how by killing himself he would be throwing away all of the progress he has made in his life. As time passes, the bad times don't seem as bad and ultimately, things become better than when you started.
Afterward he said to me, "Thanks Dad. This is good (referring to the chart in the dirt). This clears up a lot for me." Then Mom suggested to him that killing himself by eating a room deodorizer would likely be painful. Michael had misread the label that said, "May cause bodily harm. Liquifies at 125 degrees." and took that to mean any one who ate it would burst into flames that were 125 degrees and die. She said, "do you really want to burst into flames from the inside?" I don't think that Michael gave this too much thought. She then told him that we chose him to be on our team so that we could all win together and not to have him come and destroy the family from the inside out. Michael said, "I always imagined winning and being right by myself and alone. Thank you for telling me this. This changes everything." My Corn-O-Meter went off the chart at this point as this sounded very strange and artificial. I believe him when he says that he imagined being a one-man team and winning alone but the part about this crucial information changing everything... This is the same message we've been giving him for 3.5 years.
Now before you begin thinking that Michael has just experienced his first epiphany, let me share some more. Michael has a condition called Spondylo Arthritis. This is basically arthritis of the large joints such as knees, hips, and lower back. He has been on some very powerful medication such as Methotrexate and Humira which put him into a medicated remission. Earlier this year, the doctor said that his treatment had gone so well that after 18 months we would begin trying to ween him off of the medication.
First we took him off of the Methotrexate and then slowly took him off of the Humira. Things were going well for a while until he developed a problem with his right eye. With this kind of arthritis, it is important to have an ophthalmologist on your team so they can watch for reaction within the eye. Loss of vision is a common associated problem. At first we thought he had a case of pink-eye but when we took him to the doctor, we learned that his iris had become stuck on his lens and was keeping his pupil open. This was causing his eye to become inflamed and irritated.
We put him on two kinds of eye drops - one to dilate his pupil and the other to bring down the swelling. He was on this for an extended period of time with little success and in the end, we put him back on the Humira and he now has cataracts. So anyway, this is the current state of his eye problems: swelling and irritation are gone, no redness, he has some floaters in his eye, and he is back on Humira to keep everything in balance. He is back in a medicated remission.
Getting back to our original story, Michael has just experienced what appears to be an epiphany or some kind of small mental awakening. However, for the last two weeks or so, Michael has had a very red eye. At first we thought perhaps he was having some kind of relapse with his iris or perhaps the Humira wasn't working. Today, Peggy brought him to the ophthalmologist and discovered that... get ready... there is nothing wrong with his eye! Yet there it is - red. Hmmmmm.....?????
"What's going on here Michael?", asked Mom. Forget all of that stuff about the epiphany because sometime ago, Michael concluded for some reason that is known only to him that rubbing his eye until it was bloodshot would be a great way to get attention and make people feel sorry for him. He kept doing this repeatedly to irritate his eye and sustain the red color for nearly two weeks.
How do I know this? Because he told me! Then - 30 minutes after the eye doctor appointment where the doctor did a grand total of NOTHING, the redness in his eye cleared up. I shouldn't say that the doctor did nothing because he did TELL us that there was nothing wrong with his eye right after taking the money for the office visit. No eye drops. No cream. No treatment. 30 minute later - no redness either. What about a miracle? NOT!
All of this begs the question, "Why?" Why go through all of the trouble and irritation for a little sympathy?
Consider the following story: Once upon a time, there was a woman who had an order of delicious McDonald's french fries and she wanted to share them with her son. Did you catch that? SHE WANTED TO SHARE THEM. So she offered a fry to the son. "Here son. Have this french fry. I want you to have it. Go ahead and take it", she said. She reached in, grabbed a fry and extended her arm so that the french fry was right in front of the son and easily within his reach. The son - wanting nothing to do with any free gifts, decided to trick the mom into looking away. "Hey! Look out the window! I think I see a dragon!", exclaimed the son. The mom briefly looked out the window while the son snatched the french fry out of her hand with the skill of a professional pick-pocket.
This doesn't directly answer the question of "why" but it does shed some light on a few things. Michael does not like when love and affection is offered freely but prefers to trick other people into giving it to him. Why is that? Perhaps it is an issue of control since he cannot control the way another person loves him, when they do it, or how they show it. Perhaps he feels empowered by taking it on his terms. Perhaps it is a matter of trust. If he takes love on his terms, then he can control the outcome, the duration, and the method. Getting people to feel sorry for him about his eye is within his control.
But also consider this: Michael has a long detailed track record of how controlling other people to get what he wants does not work out in his favor - yet he continues to try anyway. He says that he is persistent because he hopes that one day it will work out even though so far it hasn't. In fact, he has been punished many times and has many more enemies now than he did before. Yet on the other hand, when he supposedly tries to just be a friend and develop good relationships with others, he claims that this doesn't work and he has no patience to continue trying. This begs the question, "doesn't he know that he will get caught and that something bad will result from lying, cheating, and manipulating other people?" After all, how could he NOT know. He has the experience of thousands of encounters where it worked out poorly. The question then becomes, "is he actually trying to make things better or is he trying to keep things bad?"
9/12/2011 - Monday
- 9/12/2011 9:52:01 PMBrainware Safari and Ice CreamMichael has been working with this computer program called Brainware Safari to help his cognitive thinking skills. The program has various little memory/thinking related tasks for him to work through and over all it has been a real challenge for him.
In one particular exercise he has been working on, the application tells him 4 random numbers between 1 and 100. The numbers are then displayed on the screen and Michael's task is to put them in order by clicking on them in the proper sequence. This involves listening, memory, linking what is heard to what is seen, and sequencing. Michael repeatedly fails at this and is frustrated.
Mom is watching while Michael struggles and so she decides to give him a hint. She repeats the 4 numbers that were spoken and puts them into the right sequence. Basically, she gave him the answer. All that was required to do was for him to click on the numbers.
Can you guess what he did? He clicked on the 1st number correctly, then the second number correctly. For the third number, he hovered the mouse over the correct number for a long time. He waved the arrow back and forth and then suddenly clicked on a different incorrect number.
Brainware Safari is very good at detecting failed exercises and attempts to cheat. As soon as the incorrect number was clicked, a sound was made and a message flashed that his choice was wrong. All of this happened very quickly and since Michael has bombed this exercise so many times, he knows the sounds of failure. No sooner had he clicked on the wrong number and got the fail noise - did he immediately look at Mom with raised eyebrows and an expression that said, "SEE! I Clicked on the right number but there must be something wrong with the computer!"
Mom said, "I was watching you and I knew you would not click on the right number even though I gave you the answer. You clicked on the wrong number on purpose."
Michael gave mom a very puzzled look as if he wasn't sure what she meant or perhaps what she was saying was pure crazy talk and he would never do such a thing. We refer to this as "playing dumb". This was all a big mistake or misunderstanding because Michael "really tried his best to do the right thing". At least that is what he likes to tell himself. He tells himself the lie that when you do the right thing, it’s too hard and it never works out – so why bother. Then he said, "Sometimes the computer doesn't work when you click right on the number so I click next to it because that is how it works."
Of course as an experienced computer programmer, that is how I write all my software. I don’t want the user to correctly and exactly choose the right answer. The best option for every user is to choose an option that is close to the correct answer – but never the correct answer…
Mom said, "I was watching you and waiting for you to do this. You knew the correct answer and you chose not to click on it. Now you're saying that you tried to click on the right answer but you're blaming the computer for not working correctly. Why? What is the point of all of this?"
Michael answered, "I don't know"
I'll tell you the point. It's a game where the rules of play and the definition of winning and losing are only known to Michael and only have meaning to him.
So what is the proper response to a Reactive Attachment Disorder game such as this? At our home, we have a score chart that we keep on the refrigerator that has a column for each of our names. When Michael does this sort of thing, we go and give ourselves a point and then say, "Thank you for giving me a point. That was very kind of you. Now I have 25. Thanks Michael! You're the best!".
A friend of mine suggested that I redeem my points for a prize. I think that when I hit the magic number of points (which is known only to me), I will redeem my points for a big bowl of ice cream.
Brainware Safari
9/7/2011 - Wednesday
- 9/7/2011 8:27:10 PMScared Straight after 20 yearsFor the better part of the last 3.5 years we have been trying our best to speak truth into the life of our adopted son. The short background on Michael is that he has been both abused and neglected early in his life. People who suffer through the things that Michael has experienced develop a unique perspective on life. This is a view that is commonly described as "twisted", "warped", "upside down", "backwards", or just plain "wrong".
Truth and reality are concepts that seem to elude him. One of the primary underlying causes of this is a gross lack of cause and effect thinking. In simple logic terms it goes like this: If A - then B. If I do (A), then (B) will happen. The reverse is also frequenlty true although not necessarily: If B - then A. If (B) has occured, then (A) was the cause. Or at least (A) is one of the possible causes.
This kind of thinking is a little too much for someone who believes that they can do (A) and avoid the consequences (B). Furthermore it is a problem if they believe that consequences (B) randomly occur and are unpredictable. In practical terms, this means that Michael feels he can lie, cheat, and deceive and there will either be no consequences or he is smart enough to evade them. Then when consequences do occur, he cannot trace them back to their origin. He thinks the deliverer of the consequences is just being mean and unfair.
I had enquired to several professional people about bringing Michael to the local prison so that he could get a tour of the facility and perhaps encounter some people who also stuggle with the consequences of their actions. Apparently in our area, they don't have such an open program. Recalling the documentary "Scared Straight" that my wife and I saw as children, we decided to borrow it from the library. The most recent version of this feaure includes interviews of some of the people involved 20 years after the original filming in 1979.
We had been telling Michael about the kinds of things that go on in prison but in typical RAD fashion, he didn't believe us and thought we were just trying to scare him into obeying. I remembered that there was a great deal of foul language in the film but I didn't remember all the references to sexual abuse that happen in prison. It was diffucult to watch.
One thing that stuck out immediately was how the kids all seemed to think and act just like Michael. They didn't have a care in the world and were convinced that nothing bad could happen to them and that there was nothing inherently wrong with stealing, lying, vandalizing and any other criminal behavior they were engaged in. The all had a very disconnected view towards all the other people around them as if other people were simply opportunities to be taken advantage of. They spoke just like Michael.
As the film progressed, the prisoneers reflected in their own words and style - the same sentiments that we have been giving Michael. Wake up! Put cause and effect together! Don't think that your so smart that you can avoid consequences! Prison is a terrible place! Do the right thing! Treat others as you would like to be treated! Get an education!
During the movie, Michael frequently hung his head like he does when he is trying to initiate an out of body experience. It was like he was trying very hard to disassociate from the horrible information that his eyes and ears were taking in. At the end of the movie we asked Michael what he thought of all of this.
"That is worse than I thought it was going to be", he said.
The Scared Straight prison program is over 30 years old and has over 50,000 kids go through. It has an 80% success rate. I don't know how many of those kids have Reactive Attachment Disorder but I hope their message sinks in for Michael. Unfortunately Michael has demonstrated that combining words with logic and consequences has proved ineffective. We will see.
Scared Straight after 20 years on IMDB
