10/6/2010 - Wednesday

• 10/6/2010 2:21:18 PMRAD ClinicWe recently saw the HBO Video Child of Rage which documents the early life of Beth Thomas - a child who suffered from Reactive Attachment Disorder.  Additionally, we watched a more recent video in which she has been "healed" from RAD and is now a pediatric nurse and conference speaker.  She speaks about Reactive Attachment Disorder from the inside out and gives deeper understanding.  Listening to her talk about her former self and other kids who were/are like her is like listening to someone describe Michael.  While he doesn't exhibit all the same symptoms that she did, the similarities are startling.
  
  Beth is coming to Wisconsin in November for the "Chosen Child Conference".  For more information, click on the links below.  You can register for the conference itself, or go to her website for additional materials.  After listening to her, it confirmed within us that "we" are not the problem with Michael.  The crazy things he does and the way he behaves solidifies our belief that RAD is a very real problem.  It is as real as the nose on your face and is very well documented.  We have had many people either tell us directly that we just don't know what we're doing with him or loosely imply that we're making too much of his innocent, and childish behavior.
  
  Whether you register for the conference and purchase materials or not, do yourself a favor and follow the links below.  I was absolutely stunned when I heard her and read of her experience.  I also have some hope now.
  
  
  Chosen Child Conference - Osceola, WI - November 5-7, 2010
  When Love Is Not Enough - Parenting Children With RAD
  What is RAD?

10/5/2010 - Tuesday

• 10/5/2010 10:09:51 PMImmediate Negative ResponsesMichael has been frustrated a lot with school lately.  His teachers are on to his shenanigans and they give him homework.  That is what you call a double-bummer.  He doesn't like bringing his school work home and frequently tells lies that he doesn't have any homework.  Of course, he is quickly found out because he gets a failing grade for incomplete work the following day.  Additionally, his teacher makes him do the work anyway.  I guess that would be a double-double bummer.
  
  He has a science test coming up and he is supposed to be studying for it.  In Michael's mind, studying for a test means mom, dad, or someone else reads the text book for him, gives him the answers along with the correct spelling of words and he writes them down.  This form of studying doesn't work well when there are no questions that need to be answered - just things that need to be remembered.  In that case, Michael much more prefers a list of things he can work through.  Simple things that do not require any research or thought.  The "Name" field at the top of a school paper would be a good example.
  
  So Michael studies for a few minutes.  He writes out definitions to some science vocabulary words because they are easy.  He looks them up in the glossary and copies the text.  He comes across the word "amphibian" - as in toad or salamander.  That word is not in the glossary which sends Michael in to a tail spin.  He looks and looks and looks, and then looks some more.  It seems that no matter how many times he goes to the "A" section in the glossary, the word still does not appear.  The chapters in his book are short, but not short enough for him to even consider opening the book and looking for the word - which by the way is in bold, black print, along with its definition and some examples.  Michael is not much for reading and besides that, who would expect a science book to ever talk about such things.  Don't get me wrong - Michael is not stupid.  He is behind in his school work but most importantly - when it comes to thinking, he is lazy with a capital "L".  
  
  He comes to me asking to use dictionary because his stupid school book does not contain the answers to the very questions that it asks of the student - like "what is an amphibian?".  At least, that's how he sees it.  I tell him "no" and remind him of an incident he had earlier this year while at home.  Peggy gave him an assignment that involved using the dictionary to look up a word.  He wouldn't look up the word but instead, repeatedly guessed at what he thought the word meant.  In fact, he wouldn't write anything down either.  He just wanted to "explain" the meaning of the word.  Whether he was right or wrong didn't matter.  He wouldn't even put his own answer down on paper.  In his mind, he was more interested in trying to convince you that he knew the answer so that he wouldn't have to write it down.  Once you write something down, you're kind of committed to your answer.  Michael doesn't like to be pinned down like that.  In layman's terms, he is what you might call a "B.S.-er".
  
  Peggy sent him outside and told him not to come in until he looked up the word and wrote the correct answer down.  He sat in the front yard for 30 minutes doing nothing.  Literally nothing.  Closed dictionary in lap, eyes on the sky.  When asked if he looked up the word yet, he would give several responses, "Yes I did and I found it.", "Yes but the word isn't there", or "The word means...".  In truth, he refused to look up the word.  When mom finally made him look it up while she stood in front of him, it took him all of 30 seconds to do it.  The question is, if it only takes 30 seconds to do what you are supposed to, why not just do it and get it over with rather than waste a half hour refusing to do it?  The answer is wrapped up in a single word: CONTROL.  
  
  If you take that word and sprinkle some "hostility" on it, you will understand Michael's motivation for nearly everything he does.  Michael most definitely does not like being told what to do.  Rather, he likes to control every aspect of his relations with other people and in particular, he likes to maintain a sense of hostility.  This keeps people from getting too close to him.  In Michael's mind, people leave.  It is just a matter of time until it happens.  If he feels like he needs to leave, he will try to bring about a situation which will cause the other person to leave.  You might call that a "self fulfilling prophecy".
  
  Michael will control the personal distance in a relationship by adding hostility, or playing manipulative mind games.  If he wants someone to be closer, he will act stupid and helpless to draw them in.  If he wants to create some distance between himself and others, he will begin playing games with his chores, personal hygiene, staring, stalking, stealing... whatever.  Anything to cause irritation and push you away.
  
  If you know anything about RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), one of the foundational principals is that the victim has little to no interpersonal skills.  Good relations with others are a very foreign concept for them.  Especially in kids who suffered from neglect, social skill development is one of the first parts of brain growth to be shut down.  MRI scans have confirmed smaller brain sizes in portions known to be responsible for social activity.  Literal "brain damage" or "retarded growth".  The net side effect to this is a foreign concept of love and empathy.  Michael most definitely has a very twisted view of these words.  In a very real sense, he has their meanings completely backwards and he avoids them because to him, they cause pain and anguish.
  
  So for the rest of his studying homework tonight, he had to list the five animal kingdoms and give an example of each.  This is not the type of information that would normally be contained in the glossary.  Once again he is faced with the decision of whether or not to open the book.  He decides to lie to Mom and say that he did look in the book but that doggone book just doesn't contain the answers.  In truth, it does have the answers but they are obscured by all of the bring yellow highlighting around them while being deceptively placed in the center of the page in bold print.  Each kingdom is listed, in order, with example creatures for each.  If only he would read.  If only he could get past his own attitude which holds him back from achieving everything.  But no... Brain damage.
  
  After being confronted about the obviousness of the information in the book, Michael goes upstairs to get his pajamas on.  I came into the kitchen to get a drink of water and notice all the lights on.  As I begin to turn them off, I see that Michael's school work is scattered all over the kitchen floor.  "Is he done?  Is he going to study some more?", I ask myself.  I don't know.  As I turn the lights off and head out of the kitchen, Michael comes in and heads for his scattered school work.  "Are you going to study some more?", I ask.  Immediately and without hesitation Michael answers, "No.".  "Then pick up your stuff", I respond.  "I said 'yes'", claims Michael.  
  
  Huh?!
  
  "No you didn't.  You just told me 'no'", I reply.  He stands there looking at me with a blank confused stare.  It's as if his brain just shorted out.  "You don't even know what comes out of your own mouth", I say.  What is the meaning of all of this?  Whatever the truth is, Michael is guaranteed to react with an answer that is the direct opposite.  Almost without thought.  It is as if he has within him a spirit of mindless lying.  Lying of course is one of the more distinct symptoms of RAD.  If you're going to adopt a child who is at risk, be prepared for this.

10/4/2010 - Monday

• 10/4/2010 7:34:21 AMPencilsAt the beginning of the school year, Peggy gave Michael 7 new pencils.  They were sharpened for him at home and ready to go.  Within 2 weeks of school, he was no longer able to account for them.  Keep in mind that the first two weeks of school were shortened.  The first week, which started on a Wednesday was only 3 days long.  The second week, which started the following Tuesday after Labor day, was only 4 days long.
  
  During the second week, we began to see Michael coming home with other pencils.  I should say, other people's pencils.  "I found it" was the common excuse.  Is it possible that he actually "found" these pencils just laying around unattended at school? Sure - anything is possible.  If it were any other normal kid, I would be more likely to believe it.
  
  This morning, while Michael was upstairs fetching even more pencils and markers for school, Peggy went through Michael's back pack.  She wasn't looking for anything in particular, she was just being a mother who is keeping a diligent eye on her son.  Sure enough, another pencil in his back pack.  This one had a rubber finger grip on it.  We didn't purchase any of those for him and so he acquired it from somewhere else.
  
  Peggy asked Michael, "where did you get this pencil from?"  That seems like a pretty straight forward question.  Unless you know Michael, you'll probably never guess at his response to that simple question.  "This one had paint on it but I pealed it off", he replied.  If you're new to these stories, then welcome to the world of Michael.  A magical place where cause and effect are unrelated and any question can easily be answered with any response - including responses that don't even come close to answering the question.
  
  Here is where I made a wrong move - I engaged him and let him know that his answer didn't make any sense and that he is avoiding answering the actual question.  Michael was now on the defensive side of things - a place he frequently finds himself and also a position that causes him a great deal of mental anguish and confusion.  Responding to questions immediately causes psychological overload for Michael.  He becomes stressed, filled with guilt and quickly begins to lie - about everything, anything, and nothing in particular.
  
  "You didn't answer the question", I said.  "Mom asked you where this pencil came from".  Peggy continued. "I gave you seven sharpened pencils at the beginning of the school year.  Where are they?", she asked.  "They don't work", Michael answered.
  
  Ah yes... the old defective pencil trick.  Also notice the use of the word "they" implying that all seven pencils have failed him.  I think they only come 10 to a pack.  If they truly were defective, I would also surmise that all 10 in the pack are defective.  Anyone who has grown up in the United States and been forced to use the standard, nasty, wooden number 2 pencil knows the miserable experience of learning about their documented the unreliability...  NOT!  I told Michael, "Pencil technology is as old as the hills.  There is nothing to them.  You sharpen them, and they work."  Peggy added, "Don't you think that Dad and I have used these pencils before?  Each of us has used them in school for 12 years!.  They work!  Where are the pencils I sent with you to school?"
  
  Here we go again...
  
  "The teacher said to cut the tips off.  Then they were too short and I couldn't use them.", Michael answered.
  
  This is the classic move of combining the truth with a lie.  Somewhere in that answer is a story of where Michael was engaged with the teacher  about his pencils.  It seems as though Michael struggles sharpening his pencils.  "When I sharpened the pencil, the wood was still covering it.  Then the teacher said to sharpen it again.  When I did, the wood was still covering it so she told me to cut off the tip and try again.  Then the pencil was too short."
  
  So Michael - a boy who most definitely knows how to sharpen a pencil - ground his down until it became an unusable stump.  He claims that this happened to two pencils.  A little quick math indicates that there are five pencils remaining from the original seven.  "I used one", Michael responded smugly.  You could see the simple arrogance in his face as if with that statement, he has now declared the pencil mystery resolved.
  
  He just doesn't get it!  Wasting two pencils and using one more to it's fullest potential, does not add up to seven.  Nor does it address the additional pencils he has been using since school began.  Further more, it does not explain the three extra pencils he brought down from his room this morning.
  
  "What happened to the other four pencils?", Peggy asked.  You could almost see the mental gears come to a screeching halt when she asked that question.  Michael had a dead, blank look on his face.  Once again, Michael tried to pull another all encompassing lie out of his butt.  "One is in my locker", he answered.  "That leaves three.  What about the other three?", Peggy asked.  "The other one is in my desk", Michael answered.  "That leaves two.  Where are the last two pencils?", she asked.  Keep in mind that this is only after 4 weeks of school, and two of those weeks were shortened.
  
  Michael had no more answers.  He just stood there, pursing his lips, petting his own hair, and scratching the mysterious spot on the top of his head.  This is the classic indicator that Michael is under stress - usually self imposed.  I said to him, "You can't even keep your own stories straight!  You're just making this up as you go!".  "How about some truth?  Why don't you just tell the truth?  Is there something wrong with the truth?", Peggy added.
  
  Of course there is something wrong with the truth.  Telling the truth is the same as admitting defeat.  It is the loss of control over the deception being played and we all know that the loss of control over the situation is the equivalent to death.  At least if you suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder it does.
  
  Michael dug his heals in and stopped talking.  Sometimes he likes to act as though he is thoroughly confused.  As if by simply asking him questions, we have somehow now clouded what was previously a very clear and straight forward conversation.  In truth, Michael intentionally adds confusion or feigns being confused for the simple purpose of trying to alter the key points of the interaction.  By "acting stupid", he hopes to get us off topic and frustrated while we go over what he said, what we said, what he said.  By the time we're done, we're all tired and he claims victory because he feels that he controlled it all.  Sometimes he succeeds but we are watchful for this and we try to keep him on track and on the point.
  
  "What do you think you're going to do with these other pencils?", Peggy asked.  Of course, Michael had no answers.  Knowing what we know about Michael, here is what we believe: Michael has used going to the pencil sharpener as a crazy game in the class room.  For whatever reason, it is stimulating to him.  Perhaps he likes the smell of ground wood or the "coolness" of using the sharpener.  Perhaps he liked to get up out of his chair and sharpening his pencil is the perfect excuse to compliment getting a drink of water or going to the bathroom.  Maybe he likes the feeling of knowing that the sound is distracting to other kids and they focus their attention on him when he does it.  Again - this is a control tactic and another symptom of RAD.  Michael claims that the teacher gave him these extra pencils, but strangely enough, they don't seem to need as much sharpening as the ones we sent with him.
  
  There is definitely something crazy going on here.  Is it important enough to focus on?  Is it really that big of a deal?  I think so.  Here why: Nuggets.  It is all about the nuggets.  What is a nugget?  A nugget is that small piece of something you hold on to so that you can still keep what you want and in Michael' case - claim victory.  It is like the small part of sin that you hold onto while cleaning out the large dark and dirty places in your life.  
  
  For example, if you're a gossip, and even though you have admitted to being a gossip, then a nugget would be to keep in contact with other people you share choice morsels with despite giving the outward appearance of repentance.  You continue to maintain contact with your whispering friends all the while eliminating contact with people who could identify and call out what you are doing.  Nuggets are the small parts you hold on to.  They are also seeds that grow and spread.
  
  For Michael, a nugget is the small lie that was used while trying to pass off a larger lie.  On Sunday (yesterday) I asked Michael if he had cleaned his room.  We have a chore chart on the refrigerator that lists everyone's weekday and weekend chores.  For Michael, cleaning his room is a Saturday chore but it was not checked off which alerted me.  Also, when he has done it, he comes to me and asks me to check over his work.  One thing is for sure about Michael, if you are not watching him, he will actively attempt to get away with everything he can.
  
  "Did you clean your room yesterday?", I asked.  Michael put his finger to his chin as if in deep thought, "Um... yes.  I believe I did", he answered.  "Do you want to think about that one some more and try again?", I responded.  I paused for a moment and asked again, "Did you clean your room yesterday?".  "Dad", he insisted.  "I'm pretty sure I cleaned it!".  (Lie #1a)
  
  The "follow up question" is always where Michael's logic breaks down.  "If someone asks about my room, then I'll just say that I did it and they will believe me", he thinks.  Michael has no Plan B when someone asks a further and more detailed question.  Sometimes he will be stumped on what to say, while at other times he will just simply begin talking as if he is answering a question you asked last week, a question someone else asked, or a question that no one asked - like "how did the paint get pealed off of that pencil".  I'm sure it makes sense to him.  After all, he is a "master tricker" you know.
  
  "When did you clean it?", I asked.  This time I got the blank confused look.  "Um, I think I did it in the morning", he blurted it out. (Lie #1b)  I happen to know that Michael got up late while I was out running errands early on Saturday morning.  I returned home at 10:00 AM and we began to butcher chickens shortly thereafter.  We were busy with the chickens until around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.  There was no additional time in there when he could have ducked out and cleaned his room.
  
  I told him this and he again looked confused.  "Who checked over your room?  It wasn't me.  Tell me, who checked it over?", I asked further.  Michael looked at me for a long time.  "You know Dad, now that I think about it, I might not have done it", he said.  (Lie #2 aka "the nugget")
  
  Here is the clincher, here is why I pursue every little bit of truth with Michael.  Here is why we work so hard to eliminate all traces of lie and deception with him.
  
  Even in coming around to truth (after he was backed into a corner), he injects a lie.  This time, the lie is that upon further analysis and reflection, he has concluded that there may be a chance that this chore might have been overlooked.  This in itself is a lie and a nugget of control that he holds on to while he tells himself that he successfully fooled me and got away with it.
  
  "That's two lies Michael", I said.  "You lied about cleaning your room, and now you want me to think that you just now remembered that you may not have done it.  You conveniently remembered right after I caught you in the first lie.  You knew the whole time that you didn't clean your room.  You say to me, 'You never believe me.  You always think I lie'.  There is a reason for that Michael.  Because it's true!  This is why I don't trust you.  You're not interested in building trust between us.  You just want to deceive me.  Am I correct or not?"
  
  "yes", Michael mumbled quietly.  "Say it louder", I responded angrily.  "Yes", Michael said.  "Say, 'Yes Dad I was lying about cleaning my room and lying about remembering that I didn't do it", I ordered.  "Yes Dad I was lying about cleaning my room and remembering that I didn't do it".
  
  I am so sick to death of this kind of stupid crap.  When they tested Michael at school for special needs, they examined his academic performance and whether or not he had ADD or ADHD.  Unfortunately they don't have a lying/manipulation/deception/crazy mind game test.  He would be off the chart.
  
  On a related side note, Michael asked me if he could bring some Styrofoam cups to school.  Apparently the drinking fountains are defective as well as the pencils and Michael needs his own cup to drink out of.  I happen to know that Michael is one of those kids who plays with and destroys Styrofoam cups by chewing on and then eating them leaving bits an pieces all over the place - which never seem to get cleaned up - and he has no idea on how they got spread all over the place - but he is pretty sure they didn't come from him because he remembers throwing his old cup in the trash...