- 10/5/2010 10:09:51 PMImmediate Negative ResponsesMichael has been frustrated a lot with school lately. His teachers are on to his shenanigans and they give him homework. That is what you call a double-bummer. He doesn't like bringing his school work home and frequently tells lies that he doesn't have any homework. Of course, he is quickly found out because he gets a failing grade for incomplete work the following day. Additionally, his teacher makes him do the work anyway. I guess that would be a double-double bummer.
He has a science test coming up and he is supposed to be studying for it. In Michael's mind, studying for a test means mom, dad, or someone else reads the text book for him, gives him the answers along with the correct spelling of words and he writes them down. This form of studying doesn't work well when there are no questions that need to be answered - just things that need to be remembered. In that case, Michael much more prefers a list of things he can work through. Simple things that do not require any research or thought. The "Name" field at the top of a school paper would be a good example.
So Michael studies for a few minutes. He writes out definitions to some science vocabulary words because they are easy. He looks them up in the glossary and copies the text. He comes across the word "amphibian" - as in toad or salamander. That word is not in the glossary which sends Michael in to a tail spin. He looks and looks and looks, and then looks some more. It seems that no matter how many times he goes to the "A" section in the glossary, the word still does not appear. The chapters in his book are short, but not short enough for him to even consider opening the book and looking for the word - which by the way is in bold, black print, along with its definition and some examples. Michael is not much for reading and besides that, who would expect a science book to ever talk about such things. Don't get me wrong - Michael is not stupid. He is behind in his school work but most importantly - when it comes to thinking, he is lazy with a capital "L".
He comes to me asking to use dictionary because his stupid school book does not contain the answers to the very questions that it asks of the student - like "what is an amphibian?". At least, that's how he sees it. I tell him "no" and remind him of an incident he had earlier this year while at home. Peggy gave him an assignment that involved using the dictionary to look up a word. He wouldn't look up the word but instead, repeatedly guessed at what he thought the word meant. In fact, he wouldn't write anything down either. He just wanted to "explain" the meaning of the word. Whether he was right or wrong didn't matter. He wouldn't even put his own answer down on paper. In his mind, he was more interested in trying to convince you that he knew the answer so that he wouldn't have to write it down. Once you write something down, you're kind of committed to your answer. Michael doesn't like to be pinned down like that. In layman's terms, he is what you might call a "B.S.-er".
Peggy sent him outside and told him not to come in until he looked up the word and wrote the correct answer down. He sat in the front yard for 30 minutes doing nothing. Literally nothing. Closed dictionary in lap, eyes on the sky. When asked if he looked up the word yet, he would give several responses, "Yes I did and I found it.", "Yes but the word isn't there", or "The word means...". In truth, he refused to look up the word. When mom finally made him look it up while she stood in front of him, it took him all of 30 seconds to do it. The question is, if it only takes 30 seconds to do what you are supposed to, why not just do it and get it over with rather than waste a half hour refusing to do it? The answer is wrapped up in a single word: CONTROL.
If you take that word and sprinkle some "hostility" on it, you will understand Michael's motivation for nearly everything he does. Michael most definitely does not like being told what to do. Rather, he likes to control every aspect of his relations with other people and in particular, he likes to maintain a sense of hostility. This keeps people from getting too close to him. In Michael's mind, people leave. It is just a matter of time until it happens. If he feels like he needs to leave, he will try to bring about a situation which will cause the other person to leave. You might call that a "self fulfilling prophecy".
Michael will control the personal distance in a relationship by adding hostility, or playing manipulative mind games. If he wants someone to be closer, he will act stupid and helpless to draw them in. If he wants to create some distance between himself and others, he will begin playing games with his chores, personal hygiene, staring, stalking, stealing... whatever. Anything to cause irritation and push you away.
If you know anything about RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), one of the foundational principals is that the victim has little to no interpersonal skills. Good relations with others are a very foreign concept for them. Especially in kids who suffered from neglect, social skill development is one of the first parts of brain growth to be shut down. MRI scans have confirmed smaller brain sizes in portions known to be responsible for social activity. Literal "brain damage" or "retarded growth". The net side effect to this is a foreign concept of love and empathy. Michael most definitely has a very twisted view of these words. In a very real sense, he has their meanings completely backwards and he avoids them because to him, they cause pain and anguish.
So for the rest of his studying homework tonight, he had to list the five animal kingdoms and give an example of each. This is not the type of information that would normally be contained in the glossary. Once again he is faced with the decision of whether or not to open the book. He decides to lie to Mom and say that he did look in the book but that doggone book just doesn't contain the answers. In truth, it does have the answers but they are obscured by all of the bring yellow highlighting around them while being deceptively placed in the center of the page in bold print. Each kingdom is listed, in order, with example creatures for each. If only he would read. If only he could get past his own attitude which holds him back from achieving everything. But no... Brain damage.
After being confronted about the obviousness of the information in the book, Michael goes upstairs to get his pajamas on. I came into the kitchen to get a drink of water and notice all the lights on. As I begin to turn them off, I see that Michael's school work is scattered all over the kitchen floor. "Is he done? Is he going to study some more?", I ask myself. I don't know. As I turn the lights off and head out of the kitchen, Michael comes in and heads for his scattered school work. "Are you going to study some more?", I ask. Immediately and without hesitation Michael answers, "No.". "Then pick up your stuff", I respond. "I said 'yes'", claims Michael.
Huh?!
"No you didn't. You just told me 'no'", I reply. He stands there looking at me with a blank confused stare. It's as if his brain just shorted out. "You don't even know what comes out of your own mouth", I say. What is the meaning of all of this? Whatever the truth is, Michael is guaranteed to react with an answer that is the direct opposite. Almost without thought. It is as if he has within him a spirit of mindless lying. Lying of course is one of the more distinct symptoms of RAD. If you're going to adopt a child who is at risk, be prepared for this.
